dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
