o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
