Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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