He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
