it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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