Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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