I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
