i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wish you could order shots online.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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