I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
