Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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