I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
