She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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