Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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