Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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