I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
