hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
