I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
