why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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