The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
sarcasm needs its own font
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
