sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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