i think i have two assholes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
