I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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