My hand turned me down
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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