Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
