The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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