Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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