I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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