I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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