Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
