It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
