Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
