I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My liver just broke up with me...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize