how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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