Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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