your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Randomize
