Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize