i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
