I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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