I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
