eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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