My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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