If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
