I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
