I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
