He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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