Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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