Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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