forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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