Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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