I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
