my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
