If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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