what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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