totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize