So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
