I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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