im drinking this country out of the recession.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
