i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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